I’ve tried writing this post a thousand times, and each time I write over a thousand words…then I delete it all.
So let me try again.
The premise of this blog is the crazy adventure I’m on with my husband, kids, and our zoo of rescue pets…but it’s hard to update a blog and keep it funny and REAL when there’s so much background pain.
I have never hidden the fact I struggle with mental illness.
I do not hide the fact my husband had combat-related PTSD and TBI (traumatic brain injury).
What I have hidden from everyone is the pain and hurt it has caused.
I came to the realization last night, the relationship with my husband is in trouble and I feel emotionally abused.
While he is absolutely the BEST father in the world to our children, I am currently living in a hell on earth.
My struggle has been, do I let this out? Do I put it out there for all the world to see? Or do I just suffer in silence and wish we had a better relationship?
If I DO put it out there, it could negatively affect my writing and yoga career. If I continue to hide it, no one else struggling with the same issues will see they are not alone.
It IS lonely in this place. There are others in this space. I know they are there….in the distance, suffering, and in pain. So I decided to let it out.
Though I know I should blame the combat and his eight years in the Marines, it’s hard to find solace in this, knowing we don’t connect, knowing I feel alone, worrying about the drinking, cheating, lying, money spending.
It sounds like a mess.
It is a mess.
I could sit here and tell you all the horrible things he has done, but that does nothing to help anyone. Some of it is unbelievable….like when I thought he was going to kill me in the garage when he was on a drunken rampage talking about things from his deployments, specifically Iraq.
Can I hang on?
What about my kids?
I guess the focus of this blog must change.
I guess I need to refocus my life in general.
I’m 36 and in a lonely place, when I wanted to be settled, accomplished, and happy.
I am none of those things right now.
So if you’re a military spouse, if you know someone with mental illness, if you have mental illness…you…are…not…alone in this lonely, lost place.